Excerpt: Lessons Learned and Bobbie's Continuing Influence
Many people who knew and loved Bobbie have thought about the way she chose to be in the world, asking themselves, “What lessons does Bobbie's life teach me? How can I live my life in a way that honors hers?” Bill stated that he associates Bobbie with animals, and any time there is a donation to be made to help animals, he will do it. In Joe's view Bobbie is still “bringing people together,” even in her death. He and Rick checked in with each other every day on the phone in between Bobbie's death and the memorial service. They split up tasks – Rick busied himself with helping Tom, while Joe was more involved with helping the extended family that came in for the memorial service.
Rick also had something to say on this subject. He asks and answers the question:
It's almost going to be four months now since everything happened, and I think part of it is what happens after, and how you manage and cope and what that loss means in your life.... And there have been several times, whether it's been in a movie, or somewhere, [and] I'll think “Well,” [pause] think of her for some reason and start to cry. So it makes you question, for us that are left behind, it makes you question, “Well, what's important, what do you want to do with the rest of your life, what do you take out of this tragedy?”.... Because of the circumstances too, it makes you realize – and it's all so sad, being so corny and clichés – but it does make you realize how precious life is, and that it shouldn't be wasted, and that you should make it mean something.... I think the message I take out of Bobbie's life, if you want to kind of look at it that way, is: Bobbie wasn't a person that found a cure for polio, but she was a witness to others on how an ordinary person could live their life in a way that God would want you to live your life. And she was an example of that or a witness of that. I think you don't necessarily know that or recognize it at the time, but when you reflect on it afterwards, you realize that.
Bill also had a thought on this subject: “The lesson is that everybody's life is important, and to value the connections and the gifts of friendship while you have them. We don't realize, often, what we have – it sounds so cliché – until it's taken away from us, and so the best way to honor Bobbie is to let that life kind of take root in us and to have her continue through us.”
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Bobbie also is bringing another group of people together: the dog park people. Many of the dog owners that Bobbie met commented that they didn't get to know her well, since she and Tom had just started coming to the dog park with Beau when she died. As a result of this tragedy, however, they have grown closer as a group and have done things together outside of the dog park. Paula noted:
I've got to tell you, we've all become very close, it's too bad, because, although I wasn't close to Bobbie, we have all become very close to Tom because of this. And we all said, “Why didn't we think of getting together outside of the dog park before this?” You know, everybody said the same thing, and it's really too bad that we didn't do it, because we all really like each other. You couldn't find a more eclectic group than [us], you just look around and say, “How would these people ever come together other than in this situation?”
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Bobbie has also indirectly had an impact on Tom's family members through her choice of friends. One of Tom's uncles, a fairly conservative person, talked to Tom's mom Sue about his experience coming to Bobbie's memorial service and seeing “how all of these gay men were taking such good care of Tom.” Tom's mom Sue also had a funny story to share along these same lines. She was visiting Tom over the weekend closest to Bobbie's birthday a few months after Bobbie died. She and Tom hosted a brunch at Bobbie and Tom's house to thank all the friends and neighbors who had contributed so much to the family (including providing and serving food for several hundred guests after the memorial service, providing food for almost a week for extended family, and all kinds of other gestures of support). After everyone had eaten at the brunch, “a couple of men surreptitiously went out to the kitchen, and before any of them realized it, they had done the dishes, put the leftovers away in the fridge, and cleaned up. Sue came out and exclaimed [about all the work they had done], and someone said, 'I bet you wish you had a couple of gay sons!'”
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The circumstances of Bobbie's death also have engendered greater empathy when those who loved and knew Bobbie hear about other tragedies. Joan and Tom provided an example of this:
Joan: And now that this happened to Bobbie when I watch stuff on the news, and it brings it home closer. So every time I hear of a tragedy, it really impacts you more, because you know how the family is really feeling, and how the community really-. It's really sincere.
Tom: I definitely feel that whenever I see something.
Joan: I feel, “I just went through this.” And it does hurt.
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Some of those interviewed talked about feeling that Bobbie is with them sometimes....
Millie felt her presence in the interview and tried to explain to Tom what it feels like:
Millie: She was so willing to, or she wanted to try different things, but she was afraid at the same time. And once she learned you don't have to give up something to try something, like there wasn't a right way that things had, she could always go back and do them the way you did them before, even though you did them a different way once. I was pretty proud. [tears up] She's here.
Tom: You got emotional a minute ago, what?
Millie: Oh, she just showed up. [exhales, then laughs]
Tom: I'm not always in touch with that, so I'm curious, how do you feel she showed up?
Millie: Oh, well, my heart just opens all the way, and I feel her presence.... She had an energy about her that I find distinctive, loving and open and passionate and guarded at the same time.
Many people additionally talked about getting some kind of a sign from her after her death....
Perhaps the most meaningful signs are those that relate to animals....
Patty told about her experience:
Out where the farm that I have my horses, there are several long rectangular pastures. And it's bordered by woods, and we frequently see deer, and occasionally fox, and other wild animals. And it was the Saturday after, so a week after Bobbie died, and I was out at the farm. And I was in a mode of just wanting to be kind of alone in nature, I'd groomed my horse or whatever, but I wasn't really in the mood to ride or anything. So I was just kind of walking along the pasture one day, just thinking, and I came across something that I had never seen before, probably never will again, that was clearly a gift from Bobbie, and it was an intact skull of a red fox. So I looked at it and went, “I think that's what it is, it's clearly not a cat or a dog.” So I picked up the phone and called Terri and said, “You're not going to believe this.” [both laugh] “I think this is what it is,” and Terri said, “Why don't you bring it over, we'll look it up.”.... And it was just the most amazing thing. It was, like I said, it just, it struck me at a very profound level, that this was definitely something from Bobbie, saying, “Hey, I'm OK, just wanted to let you know,” and that skull is still on my altar at home, it's kind of the centerpiece. And we cleaned it up and identified it, and sure enough it was a red fox. [laughs]
Tom has had several of these “sign” experiences.... The last story Tom had was a fox story:
I drive to work on GW Parkway; I go through Rosslyn and take the Parkway out to the American Legion bridge. So one morning like a month after Bobbie died, I-, and then driving in the car was really hard 'cause you have, then you really have [time], you're kind of thinking a lot, and so driving was hard. And I was at one point just really feeling sad, and kind of in tears, and off to the side of the road there was a fox, it was kind of walking along the side of the Parkway, and then all of the sudden I smiled. And I said, you know, it felt like Bobbie was there, or she had done something to make a fox go there so that I would think of her that way, versus feeling sorry.
